Pay attention to the list (photo credit: Glenn Carstens-Peters)
I am not particularly good at making lists. I know what needs to get done and when, and only when the world feels like too much to handle do I feel compelled to write things down in checklist form. It’s a bit strange considering I write just about everything else down that comes to mind as a writer and creative.
But I’m going to strongly advocate for this list.
It’s one of the few that I have penned. I’m sure there are similar lists out there, but this one is mine. It’s well-worn and lived in.
And I’m sharing it because I think you can benefit from it – even if a loved one isn’t ill or disappearing in front of your eyes. It’s a different kind of list, one that doesn’t bring the kind of joy and satisfaction from checking the box. Each time I am reminded to turn to it, I think of the Avett Brothers Murder in the City where brothers Scott and Seth sing these final lines:
If I get murdered in the city
Go read the letter in my desk
Don't bother with all my belongings
But pay attention to the list
Make sure my sister knows I loved her
Make sure my mother knows the same
Always remember there was nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name
Always remember there was nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name
And with that, pay attention to the list.
1. Life moves slowly, often predictably; then it changes all at once. Recognize this as the rule rather than the exception. You’re not being singled out.
2. Being right doesn’t matter. Showing love does.
3. Show up.
4. After you’ve taken it personally, don’t take it personally.
5. Listen. There’s a story to decode underneath the misidentified people and places. There’s a memory trying to rise to the surface.
6. Ask for stories. Write them down. History is fading before your eyes.
7. Grief is not an event. It is a series of high and low tides that never cease.
8. Costume jewelry can save a lot of heartache.
9. Watch the film Alive Inside and see how playing music awakens the brain, reaches that far off part that remains uncorrupted. Tap the well that appears to be empty.
10. Hide-n-seek is not only a kid’s game. Approach what’s missing with a kid-like curiosity and desire to find.
11. Give compliments. Tell her she looks beautiful, how she reminds you of a special time.
12. Enjoy the silence. Sometimes presence is enough.
13. Take walks. Slow is still active.
14. Pull photographs before the funeral home asks. They are memory triggers for conversation, not just a five-minute carousel of a life lived.
15. She’s your parent, but his spouse. Same person, different interpretations. Remember and respect it as they would want you to do.
16. Let her eat what she wants to eat. We’re no longer staving off anything.
17. Ask often: what really matters at this moment?
18. Denial: don’t let it be the disease you suffer from.
19. Making up for lost time, lost ground, lost arguments is unachievable. Making the most of the moment is achievable.
20. Become an advocate for their health and well-being. This is as important with family members as it is with physicians.
21. You are of little good to others if you are not taking care of yourself.
22. This isn’t forever.
23. Find community. Grieve together. Lift each other up. Keep walking forward.
24. This is a list for dementia, for Alzheimer’s. But don’t let that stop you from using the list.